The Ass-ault of Gransee

The same day that I had off (March 26) and went to photograph the Swans in Neurippen and the Palace at Rheinsberg, the last place that Michael and I stopped on our historical site tour was a town called Gransee. Now, generally speaking, I’m all about these great old (from the middle ages) towns that still have their old city walls and a bit of the old buildings and watch towers. I’ve been to a few, and they’re cool – each in their own way. By far, the nicest thing I can say about this town is that they have really preserved their city walls – with 1750 meters of them (originally some 2000 meters) still intact. Part of the wall includes the main gate,

the powder tower (built around 1500):

and the Franziskan Cloister church ruins (built in the 1300’s):

Why is it so preserved? Because the entire city wall area that remains (outside part) is surrounded by about a 1 acre wide park with bicycle paths and play areas for the kids – which means that it’s become usable recreational space – instead of a hindrance to people and traffic (which is what encourages them to be dismantled):

The thing is, though, that after parking the car and getting out to head to the local museum (housed in the oldest church in town):

We were ass-aulted. Literally. There was this horrible noxious scent of ammonia base that just became stronger each and every time the wind blew. It almost made you sick to your stomach, and you didn’t want to dare open your mouth to speak – lest the taste of ammonia based SHIT invade. Promptly covering my face with my t-shirt, I said “UGH! Chicken Farms!!”. It’s true. There are apparently chicken farms nearby – but where at, I don’t know – other than within smelling distance.

Upon snapping the few pictures above, Michael and I dashed into the historical museum (which smelled delightfully old and musty), checked out a couple of things inside there (they were closing for the day) and headed back out into the pungent town again. To say the least, the scent hadn’t abated (I think it actually had grown), and we were thankful this is a VERY.SMALL.TOWN. We hit a few more local highlights, walking quickly, holding our breath and alternately breathing through our shirt/hand/scarf. We paused to take a picture of the town square with its monument to the Prussian Princess Louise (she died nearby and the body was carried through town in 1810):

a couple of the local signs that I found interesting (very retro – maybe from the 1950’s?) -:

The first being a butcher’s and the second being a “household appliances” store -and then got the outside of the local church (St. Marienkirche):

I then couldn’t take it anymore, and I begged to go inside (for fresh, cool, ancient incense smelling air) to make a couple photographs of the stained glass entry:

and the center aisles.

Inside Center to altar St. Marienkirche Gransee

When the church closed to visitors (5 minutes wasn’t enough other than for me to just get the stink out of my nose before having to fill it up again), we nearly ran back to the car. (And believe me, we weren’t the only ones – even the towns people seemed to be racing about ducking inside for some non odor-filled air.) All I can say is that the town was neat, and I liked the idea of how they used their ancient city walls – but OH MY GOD, What the HELL is that SMELL? Even weeks later, as I write this, it is the one thing I remember most about Gransee … shame, that! (Notices that as she types the blog, she has been repeatedly rubbing her nose at the thought of the town… ah.. strange associations!)

Swan Haiku

Long Necked Lovely

With Creamy White Plumes, You Swim.

Spring Flowers in Bloom.

Photos taken 03.26.2010 on a day trip in Brandenburg.

More Lost in Translation

Well, I found these on my cell phone (handy as it’s nicknamed in German) camera – from way back in December 2009. It’s been a while I know, but perhaps they’ll provide you with a bit of a Laugh this Monday morning. Yes, they’re more “Lost in Translation” items – this time a bunch of randomly found products from my local REAL supermarket. Let’s Start with the Candy Aisle – mostly because this is some of the best places for humor that is lost on children:

Super Dickmann’s Chocolate (covered marshmellows) – As the package says – “super big and Crispy” – Between the shape and the name.. well… Let’s let your imagination roam into the gutter.

Next up: Jogger Gums – made with with Grape Sugar!

Not sure about this one. A bit concerned, in fact. You see, it says Jogger Gums. I know enough German to understand “gums” is supposed to be short for “gummy” or “jelly” type candy.

However, the photos and art on the packaging depicting pairs of sneakers make me think it will taste like old shoes and not something good. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that I want to eat someone’s jogging shoes, let alone if they’ve been stomping around in a grape pit for wine making… Seriously — Between the Toe Jam, foot fungus, and grape sugar… I’m sure nothing about this could be a good thing. Not even the smell.

And from the same company (katjes – who should perhaps really reconsider their product naming strategy – because I’m NOT buying these either) we also have 2 lovely licorish products:

Yes, folks – translated, “katchen” is “cat” and “ohren” are “ears” and Pfoetchen is “Foot” or “paws”. So, that means you have the first one – Cat’s ears (triangle shaped licorish candy that is proudly proclaiming “Without conserving stuff” and “with tasty herbs”), and the second one “Cat’s Paws” (Again, with no conserving stuff, and the package says ” soft” and “spicy”). Now, maybe if I were in an Asian Country I might expect to eat Cat. Heck, I’d even expect to see it marketed – but in Germany? Not so much. Oh – did I mention that I don’t even want to know what those tasty herbs are (catnip perhaps?!?) nor do I want to know what makes those cat’s paws “soft” and “spicy” (and isn’t spicy the wrong word – I think crunchy from the cat litter is more expected here).

Across to the other side of the store – let’s now go visit the Alcohol Aisle, where products again are running amok of some bad translations, dirty minds, and well, all together things that make me go humm and crack up laughing. I will note that the majority of large bottles here are pretty common – it’s the small little “pocket shots” that are the “creative” ones:

First up – the Hillbilly Liquors. 25 small “airplane sized” bottles to a box. With Priceless marketing like this (there are 5 different flavors – but I only took 2 of the boxes – will have to go back for more photos) what could go wrong?:

Not Much I’d say. The one on the left is “vodka Lemon” flavor, and features a pair of strange “hillbilly” type people curling on the ice with mountains in the background. Now, knowing that curling started in the North (Scotland I believe), are they insulting the Scots here? And really – Lemons don’t grow in Scotland. Trust me on that one. I’ve been there – Too damn cold!
The one on the right – well, that could be anyone’s typical backwoods redneck. He’s got his ‘coon hound, his huntin’ cap – complete with horn in the brim, is barefoot (red headed again? Seeing a theme here?) and appears to be carrying a clay jug. Worth noting also is the fact it’s “waldmeister” (hunting master – don’t get me started) flavor, and that there’s two women hiding on either side of the trees way in the back (a blonde and a brunette). Both Boxes say “nimm mich” or “take me”… let’s say I almost did – just for the sheer amusement the cartoons on the box brought me.

Next up is the Wurtzelpeter liquor. Again, small bottles in a bigger box:

So Wurtzelpeter is a Gnome. And as shown on this box, they are the ones responsible for this liquor – which as the box says – was made in the woods from original herbs. Which begs me to ask (Knowing a thing or two about gnomes and their creepy garden cousins) Would you trust the Gnomes to make you liquor? Really?

The third item on my rant list – is well, slightly phallic in nature. Especially when it’s on the top shelf – and you are reading all the bottle labels – then see this over your head, and at this EXACT angle.

Technically, I can’t say anything bad about it – it’s peach flavoured liquor, and the base is shaped like well… a peach. It’s just how they designed the “pouring spout” of the bottle that gave me a chuckle. (Remember, Germany is NOT conservative America – so you see lots of um.. interesting… advertisments here that all have various forms of “fruit” in condoms…)

Last on my list? Well, after having decided to check out all of the above liquor – this little priceless (final) gem of the day was at the farthest end of the liquor aisle. Maybe they were hoping that by the time we got here, we’d be too drunk to notice that someone didn’t pass geography.

I’m not sure how the liquor tastes, or even what kind of liquor it is – I never got that far before I busted out laughing. The bottle – coated in a thin polyester fuzzy fabric in leopard print (with a Jaguar photo) absolutely takes the cake. It really says “schmoozy” like a bad 1970’s flick starring an “awesome” guy sporting a toupee with light blue polyester trousers, 1/2 unbuttoned shirt that reveals suitably hairy chest, and big gold chains. Other than that, this makes me wonder how badly they failed geography and science – something I apparently did not. (Jaguars are NATIVE to South America, Leopards to the Middle East / Asia). So, by that logic – Is this African Liquor – or well, just something that is Lost in Translation.

That’s it for Monday – I hope I made you laugh, cry, or just think “oh my goodness” at this latest batch of strangeness. Until next time, keep smiling.