Next up: Jogger Gums – made with with Grape Sugar!

Not sure about this one. A bit concerned, in fact. You see, it says Jogger Gums. I know enough German to understand “gums” is supposed to be short for “gummy” or “jelly” type candy.

However, the photos and art on the packaging depicting pairs of sneakers make me think it will taste like old shoes and not something good. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that I want to eat someone’s jogging shoes, let alone if they’ve been stomping around in a grape pit for wine making… Seriously — Between the Toe Jam, foot fungus, and grape sugar… I’m sure nothing about this could be a good thing. Not even the smell.

And from the same company (katjes – who should perhaps really reconsider their product naming strategy – because I’m NOT buying these either) we also have 2 lovely licorish products:

Yes, folks – translated, “katchen” is “cat” and “ohren” are “ears” and Pfoetchen is “Foot” or “paws”. So, that means you have the first one – Cat’s ears (triangle shaped licorish candy that is proudly proclaiming “Without conserving stuff” and “with tasty herbs”), and the second one “Cat’s Paws” (Again, with no conserving stuff, and the package says ” soft” and “spicy”). Now, maybe if I were in an Asian Country I might expect to eat Cat. Heck, I’d even expect to see it marketed – but in Germany? Not so much. Oh – did I mention that I don’t even want to know what those tasty herbs are (catnip perhaps?!?) nor do I want to know what makes those cat’s paws “soft” and “spicy” (and isn’t spicy the wrong word – I think crunchy from the cat litter is more expected here).

Across to the other side of the store – let’s now go visit the Alcohol Aisle, where products again are running amok of some bad translations, dirty minds, and well, all together things that make me go humm and crack up laughing. I will note that the majority of large bottles here are pretty common – it’s the small little “pocket shots” that are the “creative” ones:

First up – the Hillbilly Liquors. 25 small “airplane sized” bottles to a box. With Priceless marketing like this (there are 5 different flavors – but I only took 2 of the boxes – will have to go back for more photos) what could go wrong?:

Next up is the Wurtzelpeter liquor. Again, small bottles in a bigger box:

So Wurtzelpeter is a Gnome. And as shown on this box, they are the ones responsible for this liquor – which as the box says – was made in the woods from original herbs. Which begs me to ask (Knowing a thing or two about gnomes and their creepy garden cousins) Would you trust the Gnomes to make you liquor? Really?

The third item on my rant list – is well, slightly phallic in nature. Especially when it’s on the top shelf – and you are reading all the bottle labels – then see this over your head, and at this EXACT angle.

Last on my list? Well, after having decided to check out all of the above liquor – this little priceless (final) gem of the day was at the farthest end of the liquor aisle. Maybe they were hoping that by the time we got here, we’d be too drunk to notice that someone didn’t pass geography.

I’m not sure how the liquor tastes, or even what kind of liquor it is – I never got that far before I busted out laughing. The bottle – coated in a thin polyester fuzzy fabric in leopard print (with a Jaguar photo) absolutely takes the cake. It really says “schmoozy” like a bad 1970’s flick starring an “awesome” guy sporting a toupee with light blue polyester trousers, 1/2 unbuttoned shirt that reveals suitably hairy chest, and big gold chains. Other than that, this makes me wonder how badly they failed geography and science – something I apparently did not. (Jaguars are NATIVE to South America, Leopards to the Middle East / Asia). So, by that logic – Is this African Liquor – or well, just something that is Lost in Translation.

That’s it for Monday – I hope I made you laugh, cry, or just think “oh my goodness” at this latest batch of strangeness. Until next time, keep smiling.