News

News of the “WTF?” weird

One of my greatest joys in life is the weekly (and sometimes daily) editions of the news of the weird. Things that just make you go HUH, WTF, and NOW HOW DO YOU NOT NOTICE THAT?!? seem to be in large supply these days.
A few examples from today’s lovely news sources:
Mom buys 19 year old son a car for Thanksgiving. Son gets caught with alcohol under the front seat by the snoopy mom. Mom puts an ad in the newspaper selling car saying that son is obviously NOT responsible enough to have it. That he’ll have to earn it by himself. I have 4 words related to this:
WAY TO GO MOM!
Husband tells wife she needs to get a job. She gets a part time job. Man is happy – then he visits the local Brothel – only to discover his WIFE is WORKING there. (Now really, how come it’s ok for him to go to the brothel – but not for her to work there? Double standard if I ever saw one!) Anyhow, they’re getting divorced now. (Duh – YA THINK?!)
Apparently this guy thought he had 666 tattooed in it somewhere. Yeah.. He’s a loon. However, it is sort of amusing that no one noticed this guy was kinda crazy, that he cut the hand of – and as if it wasn’t enough – tossed it in the microwave to make sure it was “dead”. (Soup anyone?)
4) Finally, and two straight out of the “weekend at Bernies” case file:
Guys wake up to realize their roommate died the night before. They put him in an office chair and wheel him with his social security check down to the local check cashing store. Thinking that no one would notice (It is NYC after all) they proceed to chat with the person behind the counter, and only get caught by an off duty police officer who notices the dead body sitting in the chair.
US Marshalls go to the home to deliver an eviction notice. Someone answers the door. Foul odor comes out, Police go in and discover the bodies of 3 children and an 18 year old woman. Unknown cause of death, but they’ve been there for 2 weeks. My question – What? It didn’t stink? How can 4 dead bodies be in an apartment for 2 WEEKS and NOT SMELL horrible? And no one notices the missing children – let alone the woman?
So, basically, since all these stories (except the one about the brothel) came straight out of the good Ol’ US of A, I just wanted to point out today’s lesson:
If your hand has the mark of the beast, you should cut it off, and put it in the microwave to make sure it can’t be re-attached. Just make sure that as a 19 year old, you don’t get caught with alcohol under the front seat of your car – you’ll be stuck without transportation and/or pain killer / steralization method for that circular saw you’re about to use to do the deed. Of course, no one will notice the chopped off hand unless you actually make a phone call to ask for help – after all, 4 dead bodies in an apartment for 2 weeks and wheeling a dead body down the street doesn’t draw attention either. Oh – and when you’re done with that, take a vacation to Europe, go visit the local brothel – you might just find your wife….
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There’s no crime in being stupid…

But maybe there should be. Seriously. But then again, maybe I just have more logic than most people – or look at things with a totally different view.
** WARNING – you are about to be taken into the deep dark depths of my mind, logic, and experience a rant about today’s news – and those who want 15 mintues of fame. If you don’t want to take a step back, be amazed at the stupidity and/or laugh at the irony please stop reading now. **
I’m reading the news today, and there are back to back articles that just make absolutely no logical sense. They have prompted me to ask – 3 articles in 30 minutes – WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!? Stupidity should be a crime!!
I’m glad this guy is off the street. Money or no money, rape is not cool – and I think that he should be put behind bars. Just because you have money, does not mean you’re entitled to sex. No is No.
That being said, I have two comments about this article – both of which put me a bit out. There’s this statement (the media must interview all the “shocked” family/friends, etc of course):

Zerola, 36, attended Suffolk University, where he earned degrees in law and public administration. He delivered his law school commencement address.

“He was bright and articulate,” said John E. Fenton Jr., one of Zerola’s law professors. “I don’t remember what he spoke about, but I can tell you he gave an excellent speech.”

WTF? I mean really. This professor guy – Mr Fenton – you’re an ass. If you can’t remember the speech, how can you say it was excellent? How do you know if he was bright and articulate or not. Logic says that you’re just in this for your 15 minutes of fame – and I see you for what you truly are – an ASS. So, just go take your statement and shove it because it’s not worth the electronic paper it was printed on.
Also, in the same article –
Prosecutors say Zerola met all three women in bars, charmed them, then attacked them when they refused to have sex. In the 2006 case, he allegedly took the woman shopping at Neiman Marcus, where he bought her a $700 dress and $250 shoes before trying to rape her in his Boston apartment.
Dude – didn’t this woman have ANY common sense? I want to scream at her that it’s like a bad horror flick. No, I’m dead serious. Didn’t her parents teach her anything about the real world?
No, she shouldn’t have been raped, but she shouldn’t have put herself in the position here either. Do you really think that some guy that you met in a bar is going to just be nice to you, randomly buy you a $700 dress and $250 pair of shoes? Ok maybe – but I doubt it – he’ll feel like you owe him something or that he’s at least entitled to sex, don’t ya think?. But then, you’re dumb enough to go up to his room? Um…. STUPID STUPID STUPID.
I’m truly sorry you got raped. I am. I just hope that you’re not playing the “victim” here because you know – there’s victims (as in you’re doing something casual and a random person comes up and murders ya – like the chick in Georgia that went hiking with her dog) and then there are stupids (as in the people who put themselves in a position where one is NOT surprised at a crime happening – ex. you go to rob a bank with a gun then wonder why you got shot by the security guard so try to sue the guard…). This woman sure seems like a case of the stupids to me.
Lovely article. Really. I get it – ok? Slavery was bad. It was evil. It was wicked and horrible and brutal and I would NEVER EVER EVER support it.
However, it was over 150 years ago with the civil war. Let’s be real folks. This is 2008. Give it up already. No one ALIVE TODAY experienced this horrifying institution in the USA. No one ALIVE TODAY participated in this terrible thing. If you’re still offended that times were different in the 1800’s, and that people had different beliefs – you need to get over yourself and get a life in the real world.
Go out – see the world – and realize that you have better things to fight against that are real – that are out there. Poverty, Starvation, Child Labor, inequality – they do exist. Fight them. Please.
But why spend valuable legislative time hemming and hawing over an apology for something that happened 150 years ago – which does nothing to help the people suffering today? GERR. Spend that time actually HELPING and changing the world and PROVING that you’ve learned from the mistakes of the past.
Otherwise, it’s all just lip service; which in this case, it is.
C) Dr. Phil pulls show about Britney Spears – TV doctor says pop star’s situation is ‘too intense’ for him to proceed
Um.. yeah.. Lock them both up. I don’t care where/how. I’m so sick of hearing about this woman and her problems.
The only thing I can do is shake my head and realize that this is the ifnormation that most of the world hears/sees from the USA. Its NO WONDER they think that we’re a bunch of scatterbrained stupids.
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News Flash! Paris Pleads for Pachyderms

Basted on a BBC news story about Drunken Elephants, the (begin sarcasm) brilliant (/end sarcasm) heiress Paris Hilton has made her way into the news again, this time attempting to get rehab for Indian elephants. I’m sorry, but this was just too frigging funny for me to NOT make up my own satyrical news story off of. I can see it now (begin funky hollywood style imagination music):

Headline: Paris Pleads for Pachyderms

Preccocious Party Girl Paris Hilton has nothing on Indian Pachyderms. When she’s drunk, Paris only provides porn – when they’re drunk, they trample the town. They have alot to learn from each other, but in true Paris style, a feud has begun and ended over who is allowed to participate and who should remain pure.

“Please, Pacchyderms! Precious Punjabi Pilzner is at stake here – and there’s not enough for the both of us. That’s just NOT hot,” pouted Party-girl Paris in her Porche.

“Poo on you!!” the Plastered Pachyderms perportedly said while pilferring the pub and prior to plowing into the power lines.

Perplexed by their plight, Paris responded.

“Poor Pachyderms. Painful persecution for pilfering punjabi pilzner is pathetic. Placating pachyderms is my new hot cause. Please people,” Paris pleaded, “Pachyderms need put into Dr. Phil’s prescribed program and saved from pilferring pubs and plowing into Power lines.”

Paris has presented plans for pachyderm – pilzner prevention.

In parallel news….
Peaceful protesters pushed a popular patriot proposal through pariliment….

(end dream-like sequence and close out the hollywood style background music)

On a lighter note, I guess I know how many “P” words In can fit into a paragraph!

Seriously though, I can’t figure out why Paris’s latest Elephant rant is news, but sometimes, the random vancancy of her mind (combined with my off the wall ramblings) provides for a bit of humor.

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