New for Spring – the
“ I don’t know what I want to wear today – professional, summer picnic, beach, or cowboy – Aww – what the hell, I’ll wear all 4 at once!” — Look.
As seen on a popular website homepage.
** special thanks to J.L. for the fabulous title.
While I was in Ireland, I got the opportunity to go out and experience a bit of the local nightlife for A’s birthday. It was myself, A, A’s boyfriend, and several of A’s friends and roommate. It was her birthday, and she was very excited to go out to the Alchemy club in Dublin – and kept saying it was the hottest trend in night spots. I was rather excited – we’d spent the afternoon shopping and got a cute outfit. To say the least, we were quite cute and dolled up.
Anyhow, out we went to Alchemy. Overall the club was pretty fabulous. White diner style booths with blue and red Leds around the base, lots of shiny mirrors and reflective surfaces – and a great big dance floor with stage at the front. Despite the fact that the guys plopped the group next to a big brass pole (with a lampshade style top) which we teased them about incessantly, I thought this place has possibilities. Then, I looked at the drink prices and went well, they’re a bit steep – I guess I’ll only be having one or two, if that.
By 11:30pm, the place was just not happening. In the background was a female singer (belting out the latest and greatest of everyone form Pink, Lady Gaga, and Byonce) who was pitchy, and had the philosophy of “sing louder, it makes me sound better” who just made me cringe (ok honestly, I was wishing to go to karaoke just to have something that I know I should be laughing at!). Then, there were thye maybe 15 people in there, and the annoying fact that staff were busily “cleaning” so they weren’t standing about – mopping floors, washing mirrors/glass doors, and yes, even the columns. I was like uh… okay…
About Midnight, there was an influx of people – literally it was like the doors flew open and people surged in. Lots of single women, lots of poser metro-sexual style guys in their 20s who were sniffing about like dogs needing a place to piss. An announcer came on demanding over and over in between songs (the Banshee singer was still yelling) that we had to get our headsets now…
We were given neon green wrist bands (and of which people put in various places under their clothing to highlight naughty bits…) , and white 80’s style shades to wear. Amusing, but – the banshee in the background was still singing. A double Encore even – after promising to stop singing!! I wanted to leave, and was about to – until someone mentioned that tonight was “Silent Disco” night, promoted by Smirnoff – and we had to stay because it was the reason A had insisted we come to the club.
Intrigued, I asked for more information. Basically, on top of the 7 Euro cover charge, you paid 10 Euros to rent a headset (which was fully refundable). At 1am, the music in the club would be turned off completely (Thank GOD – I did have my MP3 player to enjoy once that happened!) and everyone with headsets would begin hearing music (I had brought my own – by chance!!) Those without the club provided headsets (and who didn’t bring their MP3 player) wouldn’t hear music.
Cool – I thought – it’s a great idea to stay within the “noise ordinance limitations” of the city. Plus, if you had the laser lights going and people dancing on the floor, it could be a bit trippy and a bit fun if I decided I wanted to have my own “mp3 player out — who needed to pay 10 euro if I had my mp3 right?!?”.
Anyhow, By 1:20 AM, the novelty had worn off (even without me pulling out my MP3 player), and I left.
Let me explain why this was a failure.
People got their headsets. There were 2 channels – A and B. A contaned disco music (think YMCA, KC and the Sunshine Band, etc). B contained “grunge rock” (Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Oasis, etc). Everyone was switching between them and kind of happy. Red lights followed one music set, blue lights followed another at, of course, two different speeds. Girls were dancing to the Disco, Blokes to the Rock.
Inevitably, people wanted to chat. Only they had on headsets. So, what should have been a “silent disco” turned into people who were too lazy to take off their headsets YELLING LOUDLY to be heard over the other person’s headset music. Multiplied by everyone in the club… with the lights buzzing and whipping about, the 2 different types of dancing… it was funny.. UNTIL….
The male drunks started singing. Off Key… Slurring … “WONDERWALL” in the corner.
And the girls started Singing /Dancing to “Saturday Night” in the opposite corner.
And then everyone started YELLING LOUDER to be heard over the singers… and well…. at some point, I decided….
Some ideas may be great when you’re stoned….
They really should stay there…. because Silent Disco – Not so silent at all.
Well, I found these on my cell phone (handy as it’s nicknamed in German) camera – from way back in December 2009. It’s been a while I know, but perhaps they’ll provide you with a bit of a Laugh this Monday morning. Yes, they’re more “Lost in Translation” items – this time a bunch of randomly found products from my local REAL supermarket. Let’s Start with the Candy Aisle – mostly because this is some of the best places for humor that is lost on children:
Super Dickmann’s Chocolate (covered marshmellows) – As the package says – “super big and Crispy” – Between the shape and the name.. well… Let’s let your imagination roam into the gutter.
Next up: Jogger Gums – made with with Grape Sugar!
Not sure about this one. A bit concerned, in fact. You see, it says Jogger Gums. I know enough German to understand “gums” is supposed to be short for “gummy” or “jelly” type candy.
However, the photos and art on the packaging depicting pairs of sneakers make me think it will taste like old shoes and not something good. Now I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure that I want to eat someone’s jogging shoes, let alone if they’ve been stomping around in a grape pit for wine making… Seriously — Between the Toe Jam, foot fungus, and grape sugar… I’m sure nothing about this could be a good thing. Not even the smell.
And from the same company (katjes – who should perhaps really reconsider their product naming strategy – because I’m NOT buying these either) we also have 2 lovely licorish products:
Yes, folks – translated, “katchen” is “cat” and “ohren” are “ears” and Pfoetchen is “Foot” or “paws”. So, that means you have the first one – Cat’s ears (triangle shaped licorish candy that is proudly proclaiming “Without conserving stuff” and “with tasty herbs”), and the second one “Cat’s Paws” (Again, with no conserving stuff, and the package says ” soft” and “spicy”). Now, maybe if I were in an Asian Country I might expect to eat Cat. Heck, I’d even expect to see it marketed – but in Germany? Not so much. Oh – did I mention that I don’t even want to know what those tasty herbs are (catnip perhaps?!?) nor do I want to know what makes those cat’s paws “soft” and “spicy” (and isn’t spicy the wrong word – I think crunchy from the cat litter is more expected here).
Across to the other side of the store – let’s now go visit the Alcohol Aisle, where products again are running amok of some bad translations, dirty minds, and well, all together things that make me go humm and crack up laughing. I will note that the majority of large bottles here are pretty common – it’s the small little “pocket shots” that are the “creative” ones:
First up – the Hillbilly Liquors. 25 small “airplane sized” bottles to a box. With Priceless marketing like this (there are 5 different flavors – but I only took 2 of the boxes – will have to go back for more photos) what could go wrong?:
Next up is the Wurtzelpeter liquor. Again, small bottles in a bigger box:
So Wurtzelpeter is a Gnome. And as shown on this box, they are the ones responsible for this liquor – which as the box says – was made in the woods from original herbs. Which begs me to ask (Knowing a thing or two about gnomes and their creepy garden cousins) Would you trust the Gnomes to make you liquor? Really?
The third item on my rant list – is well, slightly phallic in nature. Especially when it’s on the top shelf – and you are reading all the bottle labels – then see this over your head, and at this EXACT angle.
Last on my list? Well, after having decided to check out all of the above liquor – this little priceless (final) gem of the day was at the farthest end of the liquor aisle. Maybe they were hoping that by the time we got here, we’d be too drunk to notice that someone didn’t pass geography.
I’m not sure how the liquor tastes, or even what kind of liquor it is – I never got that far before I busted out laughing. The bottle – coated in a thin polyester fuzzy fabric in leopard print (with a Jaguar photo) absolutely takes the cake. It really says “schmoozy” like a bad 1970’s flick starring an “awesome” guy sporting a toupee with light blue polyester trousers, 1/2 unbuttoned shirt that reveals suitably hairy chest, and big gold chains. Other than that, this makes me wonder how badly they failed geography and science – something I apparently did not. (Jaguars are NATIVE to South America, Leopards to the Middle East / Asia). So, by that logic – Is this African Liquor – or well, just something that is Lost in Translation.
That’s it for Monday – I hope I made you laugh, cry, or just think “oh my goodness” at this latest batch of strangeness. Until next time, keep smiling.