funny

Chickens At the Airport – What?!?

This week I had to go to the airport to meet up with a friend. They’ve redone their announcements since the attempted Christmas “underwear” bomber, and it made us both crack up laughing – apparently we have a new animal at the airport.

In a German airport, of course, you expect the original announcement to be in German. However, they also do the ‘courtesy’ of translating it to English so we can better understand what they’re saying. In this case, it’s been read by the same female individual, with a horrible accent and even worse grammar – to the point that it left me wondering about why they don’t hire a native English speaker to CORRECT and READ the announcement.

The announcement is effectively:

“Now securitee gedelines state that bags cannet be left alone. Please do not accept propertee of the other people. Parking is not allowed in front of the chicken areas….”

Um… CHICKEN AREAS? Really? Where exactly are these Chicken Areas? I think maybe they mean CHECK IN areas but…

Even better is the fact that bags cannot be left alone. I think they want to say that bags should not be left unattended, – but then again, maybe the bags get lonely….

Also, I shouldn’t accept items from unknown persons- now really, how do I not accept items from unknown persons – especially since they’re the ones generally SELLING items in the stores – does that mean I can’t take anything with me? Wouldn’t the airlines love it then.. no baggage…

Otherwise, they’ve also changed the announcements on the trains. Yes, I get that English is confusing, and that it’s difficult, and that these are relatively new (they’ve just added the English at the most touristy spots in the last year) . Again, why not hire someone to correct this? (If you’re going to do it, do it properly!)

The Announcement (Again, a literal translation of German):

“now arriving at station (name). Please leave the train to the left / right”.

I always want to ask ‘you want me to leave the train to the left of what – the kitchen counter? the street?’ Is it so someone can find it later?

I mean – I know that they are saying that I should EXIT through the Left/right doors, or maybe that I should exit on to the left platform, but either way, it’s still not correct the way they’ve stated it, and leaves me feeling a bit …

Lost in Translation.

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Lost in Translation

In preparation for the blizzard that is supposed to hit Germany this weekend, all citizens were advised to get emergency goods (food, water, etc) to last for up to 4 days. This meant that I had to go out to the grocery store in 70km/hr winds with snow falling and get some food. In the process, however, I found an entire section of the store that was, quite simply, odd – and well filled with a series of Lost (gained?) in Translation moments. Luckily, I had my trusty camera phone so I can share with everyone a bit of a laugh.

Starting off – the chocolates – both are dark chocolate. One is written in German and translates to “Black Man chocolate”, the other English, but both seem to go to a different (perhaps more racist?) time:

Black Man's dark chocolateBlack Power ( leopard) chocolate

Then, there’s the alcohol… Some of these you’ll have to use your own imagination for. Others are rather laughable. Explanations below where I think necessary….

20 Year Fall of Berlin Wall Liquor

20 years of “wall fall” liquor. It’s got arty drawings on the front of the Berlin wall being crashed through by a Trabant – and 4 leaders celebrating on one side of the box. On the other, the same 4 leaders have quotes about their role in the Berlin wall. The bottles? The cartoon of the leader, and it says under them the role each played. Perhaps if someone can better translate this for me, it’d make more sense, but seriously? I don’t want to drink shots that have come from the Berlin Wall 20 years ago. It might just taste like the gas in that old Trabant…..

6 "bum" packs of vodka

Now I don’t know about you, but really – Any Vodka that proudly proclaims they’re “the Bum Pocket drink” must taste like ASS. Don’t think I wanna try it. Thank you, but No thank you….

Viagra and Crossing Man liquor

Let’s see… this one has Viagra Blue (with words around it like recipes included, Good, Fun, Helps, Men) and the famed “ampel man” of East Berlin (the cross walk guy) with his “red” for “don’t walk” and “green” for walk liquors. These are sitting RIGHT NEXT to each other in the store. Are the store people trying to hint something about the crossing guard man? Things that make you go hum….

Finally, Unicum herbal liquor next to the goldwasser (gold water) liquor. Let’s just say that if you put your mind in the gutter, you really don’t want to go there….

Unicum liquor

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Defying Logic – sometimes you have to wonder.

There are many things in life for which I just have to laugh. One of those is related to phone conversations. The following is a phone conversation I had at work – where I’m more connected (I’d like to say) than a street corner hooker selling crack. (3 phones, 3 different IRC Chats, 2 Skype Chats, an AOL account, 4 email in boxes, 3 ticketing systems, 2 shout boxes, and a partrige in a pair tree – if you can’t reach me – you’re not trying!). The Names have been changed to protect identity of the individual involved.

Ring Ring –
me: Good Morning, this is (department), (me) speaking.
Caller: Hi (me), XX here, I need help
Me – Ok how can I help you?
Him – is it ok if I call you?
Me – Yes, what’s up?
Him: I’m not interrupting?
Me: No, how can I help?
Him: You’re sure?
Me: Yes
Him: I have a problem.
Me: Ok
Him: I have a question for something with (project name) can you help me?
Me: Yes, can you tell me more?
Him: You’re sure I’m not interrupting and you don’t want me to email?
Me: You’re fine, I’m listening – tell me what’s up

* Caller finally tells me the problem and I answer – but continues asking at random interfals if it’s ok that he’s called me and am I sure he’s not interrupting something.

Thing is – to me – My Logic says:

a) Why would you call someone and then ask at least 4 times if it’s ok. If it’s not okay or you are interrupting, don’t you think I would have NOT answered?

b) If I was busy and couldn’t help you at that moment but had answered anyhow, don’t you think I would say “I’m busy with xx at this moment, can I call you back or would you please email and I’ll get to it when this is done?”

c) If after 2 assurances that it’s fine you called, why do you keep asking? Self-esteem issues perhaps?

Ahhh… it’s oneof those days, where all I can do is laugh and be puzzled.

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