You know, life is a funny thing. Sometimes when you least expect it, you get wholloped upside the head, question your choices and if there’s something wrong with yourself – and then you get a gift. And suddenly you realize, yeah, I’m ok. I may do things differently than other people, but I’m really perfectly ok – because I know myself, what I want, and am not afraid to go get it, given the chance (chances which sometimes have to be made by me).

Let me explain. Before I moved to Germany, I was dating a really great guy. We had been friends for a very long time before he and I started going out, but by the time we got together, the move to Germany was already an impending thing. There was no changing my mind, and he knew as did I, that in the end, I needed to go to Europe – for my own sanity and piece of mind. I’d always dreamed of going there, living there, and enjoying that side of life’s experiences. I am who I am, and I can’t live with/deal with the “what if’s” – never have been good with that. I’ve always thought bigger than my “hometown” or my “state” or even my country – and was the odd one out when it came to the places I’ve lived, because so many people back home couldn’t “relate” to that. What I’m saying is that I needed to go as much as I wanted to go- even though it hurt to leave him behind. Anyhow, we tried a long distance thing for a while – and after about a year, we both agreed that it wasn’t going to work – but we have remained good friends. I want nothing but the best for him and wish him every single happiness he can find, because he is a truly amazing, handsome, wonderful man that any woman would be lucky to have – and I knew it then, and I know it now.

Now despite my dating other people since then, about 7 days ago, I got wholloped upside the head emotionally. You see, this guy had been dating a girl – a wonderful girl, who I really like, and who absolutely makes him happy – I know this. He has told me – and on the phone, you can just hear the smile on his face and the love in his heart. He loves her so much – and for that I am glad. He really deserves to be happy – and I want him to be – and I want him to be happy with someone that I actually LIKE. So the point? Well, I was cruising on facebook, and found photos of where she took him to a baseball game and proposed to him (he loves baseball) in a packed stadium in the most creative way possible. Of course, he said yes, and I couldn’t be more pleased that this wonderful man has finally found someone to spend his life with.

But somehow, in the back of my mind – for some reason, I wondered – why can’t that be me? Why couldn’t I be that woman for him? and What’s wrong with me? It’s nonsense, I know – and I know there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m 33, intelligent, not bad looking, financially independent, world travelled, stubborn (ok that’s not always a good thing), determined (maybe not this one either), honest, blunt (hum this can be bad too), and what I would consider a generally good catch. Honestly. I KNOW THIS. But it still didn’t matter – I was in sort of a funk as I tried to figure out, emotionally, why I was feeling this way – and angry at myself for even feeling this way – which I can’t understand and is stupid. I mean – I’m happy. I’ve lived my life more fully than I’d ever dreamed – and more fully than many people twice my age. I’ve made my choices, lived my dreams, and been lucky enough to have met some of the most amazing people the world over. I have been blessed, thanks be to God, with good health, good fortune, and a wanderlust that is matched in few others. And Yet, I still wondered “What’s wrong with me?” in the back of my mind for the last few days. Illogical, I know, but it is how it is.

Well, popping on facebook, over the weekend after work, I saw that one of my old friends from high school flew into Berlin on Sunday night. This is a friend I haven’t seen for 15 years – and occasionally have wondered what happened to her, how she was doing, and how her life has gone. Mind you, I haven’t stayed in touch with many people from high school – had no interest in it. High school was filled with people that couldn’t “think outside the box”, see the bigger picture, and seemed – even then – to me to be very clickish (oh that outfit is so out of style!). After I graduated, the few that I had stayed in touch with were great friends then – and I did go out of my way to stay in touch with. These include my best friend then (and now), and some of my closest “inner circle” of trusted comrades, although even some of them were out of touch until I found them again recently on Facebook (ah facebook! what a marvellous invention!).

So, I pinged her on facebook – and offered to take her to dinner, show her a bit of my world here in Berlin. It’s the least I could do, because I am who I am – and I rarely get the opportunity to see my old friends. A couple phone calls later, we went to dinner last night – and talked and talked for hours. You know what I mean – that old friends playing catch up, and realizing that even 15 years after graduation (yeah, we’ve known each other for almost 20 years), she is still the same person – and has grown into an even more wonderful woman than the girl I remember. I’m proud of her, and even more so – pleased to be able to say I knew her way back when (S – you had better upload the pyramid picture – seriously!).

This morning, I woke up, suddenly realizing that the path I’ve taken isn’t so bad, that I’m not the only one on the road despite my not always being able to see the others (she took a similar one), and it’s not all bad. Sure, sometimes it can be difficult, but that alternate path, looking back and looking ahead – has been a good one – that I really wouldn’t change. It has made me who I am, how I am, and I’m glad. Yeah, it’s a gift – when I needed it – having an old friend show up and sort of make me realize – hey, I guess I AM doing all right.